The Lighter Side of Thirty Years

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by Tom “The Elder” Woods, PCI #010T/EMSCI #117T
Denton (TX) Police Department (ret.)

Photo: Indianapolis 2008: Tom on the Indianapolis Motor Speedway Track. Courtesy Tom Woods.

Thirty years down the road, and I’m attempting to write an article on what I remember about the twenty-five IPMBA conferences I’ve attended. There’s enough material on the topic from my perspective and recollections for a lengthy paperback. And it might start off something like this: “It seems like an eternity, awash in a sea of faces, places, and events….”. But I’ll opt for the KISS principle and hit the highlights of a few of the early conferences, as best I can remember.

While I muse these fond memories, let me say that at each conference, we made many strides in furtherance of our organizational goals and objectives. For that detailed account, please read our history under “About IPMBA” on our website.

Some conferences were better than others for me for a variety of reasons, so if I don’t mention a conference you may have enjoyed, it may have been because I forgot to bring my favorite Pearl Izumis or my Allman Brothers Live At Fillmore East CD (no download back in those days!); or because we spent almost two hours in Chicago traffic in a never-ending loop of construction and closed exits; or maybe the hotel sucked, like the time Dave Hildebrand and I chased and trapped a two-inch-one-pound roach in the mini-fridge before it ate our munchies. Yeah, it could have been anything.

So, here we go.

The first one in Tucson (1991) was a game-changer for me. Up until that time, I’d just been a guy wanting to adapt my mountain biking fanaticism to patrolling my city of Denton, Texas, on a mountain bike (knobbies and all). In Tucson, I met officers from across the country who had like minds on patrolling by bike and possessed the enthusiasm to let the League of American Wheelmen (L.A.W., now the League of American Bicyclists) guide us in an effort to educate and include as many jurisdictions willing to give it a go.

We all were eager to put together some sort of training that fit a law enforcement version of the League’s Effective Cycling. Still, after hour after hour of breakout sessions, glad-handing, and gab fests, all I really wanted to do in Tucson was hit the trails just off the edge of town. We finally did. And that’s where this whole thing started for me.

We determined that a second conference was needed, but with a wider regional representation of officers and greater presence of cycling equipment manufacturers and vendors. The L.A.W. set it up for us for Las Vegas in 1992: Done deal. Wait, Vegas? What police administrator in their right mind is going to approve three days in Vegas for a “bicycle conference”?! And who are these Wheelmen anyway? Harleys?

Las Vegas was interesting, having never been there before. It seemed people were either just lighting up a cigarette or putting one out, only to light another one. Entering the hotel from the street was like walking into a giant ashtray.

During a marathon, four-hour meeting – that would become the norm – and many pizzas and cold beverages, our first governing board was established. Note: Don’t go to the men’s room during that part of the meeting, because upon your return you’ll learn of your new assignment as board secretary. Wait, no! Secretary? I just wanted to be the ride guide!

The conference turned out fun, though. It rained most of the time we’d set aside for on-bike activities, so the Vegas hosts got us into the Caesar’s Palace giant tent, where all the major boxing events took place. We quickly learned to ride up and down bleachers! I had my picture taken squaring off with Brian Lee in the very ring where Mohammad Ali, George Foreman, and Sugar Ray Leonard made boxing history.

Third time around, we hit Fort Lauderdale. We thought we had it all dialed in, maybe, except for a few loose ends that we could probably handle on site. Great hotel, great town: what could go wrong? Refer to the famous Super Bowl video “Cat Herding” on YouTube to get an idea of what the new governing board dealt with in sunny Florida. Let’s just call it a blend of pranks, mischievous acts, egos, and a weird act of deception. To wit: lobby piano and furniture in the elevators; squad car covered in beautiful, multi-colored shave cream; instructor’s seat post and saddle missing; a couple of wheels off that west coast agency’s van in the canal; a civilian posing as a police officer to attend the breakout sessions. Oh, there’s more. Ask me about it next time we meet. Cat Herding.

I think I read somewhere that a statue of T.J. Richardson was being installed in San Antonio near the Alamo. No? Well, maybe they should. T.J. knocked it out of the park with his team of San Antonio officers for our fourth conference. He organized a parade of IPMBA members in uniform, on bikes, through downtown SA. His surprise to us was that he’d arranged for a couple dozen young kids to bring their bicycles and pick out an officer they’d like to ride with in the parade!

All the kids finished the ride and had a blast. Citizens cheered us along the route and waved flags – it was all very cool. Thanks, T.J.! Allan even mentioned to the San Antonio dignitaries in his opening ceremony remarks that year how nice it was that everyone waved at us with all five fingers. Surprisingly, no cat herding.

Well, it seemed that a wily inspector in Milwaukee heard we were a fun-loving organization and thought he had the answer to transportation issues and finding things for us to do around town, since the hotel was somewhat far removed from downtown. He set up a couple of hospitality rooms in the hotel that stayed open until midnight every night. Why leave the hotel when there’s free beer and brats for the troops?

It worked! It was great! The rooms were full, and the Aussies kept us entertained with their stories and comedy routines. Everyone had a good time until the next morning. You can’t imagine the odor in the hallways of the hotel after a couple hundred guests consumed beer and brats all night the night before. “Going down for breakfast?” “Uh no, on second thought…”.

And, before Simunitions®, there was the inventive mind of Gary McLaughlin at work in our on-bike Night Ops course. Foam ear plugs cut and stuffed into .357 cases with primers! They worked well and added a sense of realism to those exercises. (Yes, yes…we had safety officers, and everyone wore protective gear).

In 1996, Rochester, New York, was our first attempt to bring the conference to either of the coasts. Killer rides along the Erie Canal, lots of history in that city. Another great parade through town with cheering citizens, flags on front porches, kids high-fiving us as we rode by to the competition site.

At first it was a little chilly. Then came the rain, followed by the sleet. Not everyone carried rain gear or warmer jackets, particularly those who had never before seen snow. A vote was taken, and as the temperature hovered in the low thirties, it was unanimous: the competition would be held, rain or shine! I think Allan may have influenced the vote by mentioning buses back to the hotel. Buses? There were no buses!

We staged with our bikes inside empty tractor-trailers to stay warm and dry, and modified some of the events to shorten our time in the elements. I don’t remember who won, but it was probably Jim Roy from Topeka. He always wins, doesn’t he? The guy is amazing.

Nashville was an easy drive from Texas, and we found Corky’s Ribs restaurants along the way. (We’ll go out of our way for Corky’s Ribs, anywhere, anytime). The music city did not disappoint, with just about any kind of country music you’d care to listen or line dance to. And I think it was in Nashville where we first learned the New York alphabet from Eddy Croissant. Funny guy!

Jumping ahead to 1998, and we’re in Tacoma, WA. This was a big one. We (the governing board) had been discussing a split from the League but were hesitant to take the leap until then. We wondered if we would anger or disappoint the League board after all they’d done for us. Would they disown us completely? Sue us? Then what?

As IPMBA chair at the time, it was my duty to arrange the meeting with the League’s Executive Director, Jody Newman, who was in town for the conference. We had an outdoor meeting, you know, in case of fisticuffs or a melee, we wouldn’t break any furniture. Jody’s response to my proclamation was, “Really? Well, what the hell took you so long?” We were totally caught off guard. I guess she really was impressed when that Tacoma Police car rolled up onto the tarmac when she stepped off the plane.

Later that evening, I was tricked into going to the Tacoma Rainiers ballpark with Stu Bracken and Gene Miller so they could pick up some O-T checks they had coming. I sat by myself in an office under the stadium for about an hour, wondering where they went. Then an elderly, grumpy, gentleman came in and growled at me, “Are you Woods?” I acknowledged that I was. He handed me a baseball and said, “You only get one shot. No practice. Let’s go.” Surprised the heck out me! I got to throw out the first pitch of the game that night! Bounced it front of the plate, catcher ran it out to me at the mound and said, “Don’t feel bad, everyone does that.” Thrill of a lifetime!

Anyway, I guess you could say Tacoma was the birthplace of the independent IPMBA.

Chicago 1999 was a blast! I’m manning my department’s tee-shirt table and reading up on my workshop notes while classes were in session. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice a guy checking out the tees. He says “How much vil you take for ze shirt?” I realize it’s Hans Rey, and I’m ready to give him all the tees if he’ll just show me how to jump a three-foot wall on my bike! I settled for an autographed tee and an invite to his workshop the next day. I had a hard time side hopping a 4x4. Save the wall jump for next year, Tom.

Then there was the legendary wet napkin fight at Chicago’s Dick’s Last Resort involving about ten of us and the wedding party that started it. No safety officers, and no one wore protective gear. And I thought Hans was such a laid-back guy. He’s deadly accurate and very sneaky.

Ogden, Utah, 2002. An on-bike class chased and caught a thief after he grabbed a merchant’s goods and took off running. He couldn’t believe that that many cops were necessary to make his arrest! Baton Rouge 2007! Say no more. Tom Harris rallied the city to host a fantastic conference. And the food! A pirogue (bayou boat) filled with crawfish, corn, potatoes, Andouille sausage, and boudin balls in the hotel’s atrium. Jeff Prevost shaking his little tush on the catwalk. And Phil Brady’s Blues Bar turned out to be a great music venue, showcasing some of the best blues players around.

The highlight of Indianapolis 2008 was the ride out to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, where we were permitted to ride the famous racecourse on our bikes and kiss the bricks at the finish line – no milk allowed. Our hotel, the Crowne Plaza, was the former Union Railroad Station, and some of the rooms were actual Pullman cars on tracks. Scattered about, there were life-sized mannequins representing passengers and conductors that seemed eerily alive in a “Twilight Zone” sort of way. Quite startling after celebrating with your colleagues at the Slippery Noodle around the block. The Slippery Noodle, now there’s a story!

Among the other conferences that stand out for me is 2010, in Chesterfield, Missouri. For it was there, during the opening ceremonies, I had the honor of delivering the eulogy for a longtime friend and IPMBA stalwart, Seattle Police Department Officer Mike Goetz.

I rehearsed my speech over and over the night before. I was worried. Was I saying enough about what a great guy he was? What would he want me to say in his remembrance? Most importantly, would Mike’s wife Kris, who entrusted the governing board with this honor, find it satisfactory and fitting?

I’m no stranger to public speaking, but each time I read my notes I struggled to hold back the tears, and my voice cracked. How could I do this in front of a couple hundred people without blabbering and choking up?

During my morning rehearsal in our room, Dave Hildebrand called me over to watch an infomercial on TV that he couldn’t stop laughing about. In no mood for a laugh, I begrudgingly watched and realized what was so funny. It was an exercise tool called the Shake Weight, and the actress in the ad shook it in a motion that we found hard to believe was allowed on TV (YouTube it for clarity). It really was quite funny!

Well, we quickly surmised that Mike Goetz was reaching out with a way to keep me from crumbling during the eulogy! This was so Mike Goetz! At the opening ceremonies, Dave and Mitch Trujillo strategically sat near the front. During the eulogy, if I felt like I was going to lose it, I’d make eye contact with them and they’d make that motion from the TV ad while trying to keep straight faces, which brought me back to even keel. It worked, and I’m sure Mike loved it!

As I mentioned previously, the thirty years of IPMBA conferences, and the many Instructor Courses I’ve taught, are truly a blur at this point. As current and past board members can attest, there are times when you never had to time to visit the host city aside from the hotel and the remote locations for the on-bike activities. In retrospect, the way they all occurred, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’ve met so many great people over those years. It would be impossible to name everyone I’ve encountered and befriended these past three decades. Many are still close friends; others are like family. Allan, Kirby, Stu, Andy, Sally, T.J., Joe, the Garys, Mitch, Maureen: they all know I’m just a phone call away, and on the next flight if ever they need help. Family.

Which reminds me of a story….

Tom Tanner and I were lounging on a hill by the Baton Rouge Convention Center while watching the competition, talking about how physically exhausting the conferences can be (just ask Lady Maureen), yet that the reward of organizational accomplishments and making new friends each year was worth it. Seeing “regulars” each year afforded us the opportunity to catch up and spend time with the many characters among our membership. Cat Herding.

I said to Tom, “You know, it’s like Christmas, when the family gets together again after a long year away...” Tom finished my thought by saying, “Yeah, then you can’t wait until they leave.” I guess that says it all.

Hey, did I mention the outing to a Chicago baseball game when we jumped into this IPMBA member’s department van for the trip? When we got there and contacted the officer on security who’d let us in for free, we piled out and he said he’d take care of the van for us. Wow, cool! Then we noticed he handed the keys to a homeless guy who he told to park it for us and bring the keys back! Lots more to that story, too!

See you at the next conference!

Tom’s career with Denton PD spanned 35 years. He started Denton’s bike unit in 1990. He is a founding member and past president of IPMBA and contributing author to the Complete Guide to Police Cycling and the Complete Guide to Public Safety Cycling. He taught and introduced the concept of police bike patrols in the former Soviet Union, Rwanda, and the Republic of Georgia. He once aspired to teach classes on the history of rock and roll, but he is now content to be known by his daughters as the "Professor of Interesting Stuff”. He can be reached at tomwoods15@gmail.com.

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