Are You Truly Listening?

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by Craig Lepkowski, PCI #1180-B/EMSCI #272-B
Lake Forest (IL) Police Department
IPMBA President

I’m tired of social media.
I’m tired of the blame game.
I’m tired of there being no middle ground.
I’m tired of arguments using only memes.
I’m tired of inflammatory headlines when the complete story paints a different story.
I’m tired of extremism from both sides of the political aisle.
I’m tired of social media discourse and unfriending so that only supporters matter.
I’m tired.
So I’m out.

How many people can relate to one or more of the above statements? I wrote them a few weeks ago in response to all the social media attacks I see on my timeline. I see over and over examples of people battling over candidates, or policies, or government programs, or patriotic gestures, or the “right” ways to express beliefs, the “right” ways to demonstrate, the “right” things to support.

At the same time I was undergoing the anguish of social media distress, I finished reading You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters, by Kate Murphy (Celadon Books, New York, 2019). While many chapters are about in-person listening, the science of hearing, and the communication skills which people are losing, I gleaned information related to social media and the problems it causes for so many. Murphy argues that people do not engage in respectful discourse as much as in the past and that social media exacerbates the issue. She states, “there is a sense of isolation and emptiness, which leads people to swipe, tap, and click all the more. Digital distraction keeps the mind occupied, but does little to nurture it, much less cultivate depth of feeling, which requires the resonance of another’s voice within our very bones and psyches.” (Murphy, p. 2-3)

I have come to realize how disenfranchised everyone in the world seems to feel. Many social media posts are complaints or pro-this and anti-that, and the result is a huge chasm between the left and right, the rich and poor, the people in power and the citizens they serve, the pro-government and the anarchists, the “law and order people” and the “socialists/communists”, the flag-waving America-is-great crowd and the system-is-broken people. As Murphy explains, “social media has given everyone a virtual megaphone to broadcast every thought, along with the means to filter out any contrary view” (Murphy, p. 2).

In an article in the January/February 2019 issue of The Atlantic titled “The Real Roots of American Rage: The Untold Story of How Anger Became the Dominant Emotion in our Politics and Personal Lives – and What We Can Do About It”, Charles Duhigg shares similar insights: “Facebook and Twitter don’t create content; they’ve outsourced that work to their users, who have quickly noticed that extreme statements attract more attention. On social media, the old rewards of anger – recognition of our unhappiness, resolution of our complaints – are replaced with new ones: retweets, likes, more followers, more influence. The targets of our rage, meanwhile, tend to be strangers less inclined to hear us out than to fire back. It’s a vicious cycle for users, though a virtuous one for the social-media companies, which profit from our engagement.”

The social media companies claim to be non-partisan and a democratic platform for all to discuss and share ideas and ideologies. However, with the positives of a system that allows everyone an equal voice comes the negatives of anonymity and the ability to post unfiltered vitriol that may not have occurred if the communication was in person.

“[Social media] is democratic in that everyone can air an unmediated and unedited opinion. But it’s undemocratic in that people selectively listen to only those who make them feel secure in their positions, which breeds insular thinking and so-called alternative facts…people on the right and the left can create their own realities online and drive their own unchallenged narratives – maligning, blocking, or deleting content and commentary they don’t like. The result is increasingly uncivil and extreme political and cultural debates that breed distrust, vitriol, and fear” (Murphy, p. 81).

No matter what side is represented, memes, posts, and 140-character tweets demonize the other side, deny them any response, attack anyone who questions the message, and humiliate anyone who proposes a different perspective. “People’s posts are designed to generate interest and attention in the hopes of going viral. Neutral and non-controversial posts don’t go viral and get quoted in the media. What generates interest is outrage, sarcasm, and embellishment.” (Murphy, p. 14).

I sense dismay from my friends on both sides of any argument: disbelief that others don’t think exactly how they do; outrage that they don’t agree with every single comment; disgust that they don’t show the same contempt towards the other side. The comments on posted stories are snide, disrespectful, and at times, offensive. Some people are overly dramatic and boastful; many vilify anyone who doesn’t support the same arguments or profess the same beliefs.

People on all sides seem to be getting more and more extreme in their arguments, taking affront with others’ posts and differences of opinion. The outrage is even more apparent during these turbulent political times. While there are humorous posts about how families are managing the pandemic, parents seeking information they missed in school emails, and items for sale in various marketplaces, there seem to be more and more partisan posts extolling their views of government successes or deprecating opposite party mishaps.

“…on both the left and the right, a visceral disdain for one’s political opponents has become common, as have feelings of schadenfreude [the experience of pleasure, joy, or self-satisfaction that comes from learning of or witnessing the troubles, failures, or humiliation of another] when the other side suffers a setback (Duhigg).

The on-going riots and looting that have developed from or alongside the protests are a symptom of the continued chasm in our nation. The divide between the haves and have-nots, those of the establishment and the disenfranchised, those in power and those feeling powerless widens almost on a daily basis. The flames of discontent are fanned by extreme statements from both sides and spread through social media.

“Student protestors in recent years have said listening to opposing views and opinions made them feel ‘unsafe.’ According to a nationwide survey of college and university students conducted by the Brookings Institution, more than half, 51 percent, thought it was ‘acceptable’ to shout down a speaker with whom they disagreed, and almost a fifth, 19 percent, supported using violence to prevent a speaker from delivering an address” (Murphy, p. 79).

People are expressing the pent-up frustrations and anger that have simmered and come to a rolling boil, intensified by the lockdown and loss of economic certainty as businesses fail and people lose their jobs. All of this is a perfect storm for uprisings and violence.

“The ways in which anger is constantly stoked from every side is new, and the partisan divide that such anger fosters may have pushed us further down a path toward widespread violence than we realize. One recent working paper found that the more partisan people become, the more likely they are to rationalize violence against those they don’t agree with, to experience schadenfreude or moral disinterest when they see an opponent get attacked, and even to endorse physical assaults on other groups” (Duhigg).

No one person, or even one group, has all the right answers. Solutions to enormous problems – those of nations that affect millions of people – are best discovered through collaboration and coordination. We must return to the times of fellowship and working towards policies that benefit the majority, if not all, citizens.

Throughout these next few months, or possibly years, my hope is that we can return to civil discourse, with respect for others and a willingness to listen to different opinions and ideas. As Murphy states, “To listen does not mean, or even imply, that you agree with someone. It simply means you accept the legitimacy of the other person’s point of view and that you might have something to learn from it. It also means that you embrace the possibility that there might be multiple truths and understanding them all might lead to a larger truth.” (Murphy, p. 88). “Listening helps us sort fact from fiction and deepens our understanding of the complex situations and personalities we encounter in life.” (Murphy, p. 152).

With the misinformation that spreads like wildfire on social media, it is incumbent upon all of us to take a step back, seek to understand the multiple truths, explore long-term solutions, and promote positive change for all. In short, we need to listen: to each other, to our inner selves, to opposing views, to new ideas, and to different proposals. Instigating, inviting, or condoning violence is not the solution.

Martin Luther King, Jr. believed, “violence brings only temporary victories; violence, by creating many more social problems than it solves, never brings permanent peace.” As we have seen over too many months of 2020, messages and arguments get lost in the shadow of looting, riots, and violence. It is incumbent upon those of us in public safety – the peacekeepers – to remain level-headed, impartial, and detached as we respond to public order incidents.

Do not react to the taunts, jeering, and insults shouted at demonstrations, protests and riots. Do not allow the hatred that is spewed in print, news, and social media to affect your professionalism. We are better than that.

Works Cited

Duhigg, Charles. “The Real Roots of American Rage: The Untold Story of How Anger became the Dominant Emotion in our Politics and Personal Lives – and What We Can Do About It”. The Atlantic, January/February 2019.

Murphy, Kate. You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters. Celadon Books, New York 2019

Craig has enjoyed riding at his department for many years and was honored to assist with the development of the department’s bike unit. Impressed with the IPMBA Course he attended in 2009, he attended the Instructor Course in 2010 and has enjoyed teaching bike skills ever since. Craig was elected to the IPMBA Board in 2013 where he served seven years as Secretary. He is currently serving as President, and can be reached at lepkowsc@CityofLakeForest.com.

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